I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
