You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm just crazy horny about you
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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