quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
