It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
