Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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