If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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