i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
