I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
