If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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