The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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