"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
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