Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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