"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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