roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
