Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
