I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
