I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
