I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize