my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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