when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You ate ashes out of my bong
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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