and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Naked. naked and bneed help.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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