Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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