I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
