the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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