Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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