I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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