i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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