the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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