I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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