I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think your dad took our porno
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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