i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
