I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
