god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
