I've blown a few things in my day
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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