"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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