After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
