You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
