I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
