I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize