my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
