I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
