if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
