So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
