She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Come see our sink grown plant.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize