i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize