the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
