Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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