The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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