Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
a search helicopter?!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize