I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
