I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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