Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
