This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize