I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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