dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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