the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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